Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men engage in open relationships, yet from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the value of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.
